350+ Heart Attack Puns Too Funny to Survive

Heart attack puns are super funny and surprising. They make you laugh and sometimes gasp at once. These jokes are bold, playful, and a little shocking. Perfect for sharing with friends or on social media. They are short, clever, and easy to remember. If you love dark humor, you will enjoy these puns.

This collection has over 350 hilarious puns. Each one is quick and simple to read. They can make anyone laugh in seconds. Great for captions, memes, or just texting friends. Some puns are fast, some are clever and slow. Get ready for jokes that are too funny to survive.

Funny Heart Attack Puns and Jokes

• I told my cardiologist I was having chest pains, and he said it was just my aorta. Be more careful.
• My heart stopped when I saw the hospital bill, turns out that was the real attack.
• I’m not saying my diet is bad, but my arteries filed a restraining order against bacon.
• The heart surgeon opened a bakery because he made a backup plan.
• My ticker’s getting old, it’s more of a tocker now.
• I went to a heart health seminar, but it was too pumped up for me.
• My heart and I aren’t on speaking terms since the cholesterol incident.
• The cardiologist became a comedian because he had great circulation at parties.
• I tried to ignore my heart problems, but they kept coming back with a vengeance.

Heart Attack Puns One Liners – That’ll Make You Flatline From Laughing

• My love life is like my EKG, mostly flat with occasional spikes of disappointment.
• I’m at that age where my heart skips a beat, and not in a romantic way.
• My doctor said I should exercise more, but my heart disagreed violently.
• I’ve got 99 problems and clogged arteries are at least 73 of them.
• My heart’s so weak it gets winded watching other people exercise.
• I asked my heart for a second opinion, it gave me a second attack instead.
• My pulse is like my work ethic, barely there and easily startled.
• I’m not out of shape, my heart’s just overreacting to stairs.
• My cardiologist said I have the heart of a lion, unfortunately, it’s stuffed and mounted.

Heart Attack Puns For Adults – That’ll Have You Dying With Laughter

• My heart’s like my marriage, still beating but barely hanging on.
• I exercise regularly: twice a year whether my heart needs it or not.
• My doctor said to reduce stress, but have you seen my credit score?
• I’m one bacon cheeseburger away from meeting my maker.
• My heart’s got more blockages than my ex has excuses.
• I don’t need a gym membership, climbing out of bed is cardio enough.
• My arteries are so clogged, they charge a toll.
• I’m taking life one chest pain at a time.
• My heart rate during exercise is what normal people call panic mode.
• I told my wife I’d love her until my heart stops, she’s started cooking with more butter.

Short Heart Attack Puns – That Hit the Chest and the Funny Bone

• My heart’s not broken, just slightly bruised and wheezing.
• Cardio, I thought you said card-no.
• My heart’s on strike until I improve my lifestyle.
• I’m having a cardiac arrest, of judgment when it comes to dessert.
• My pulse is weaker than my coffee.
• I’ve got heartburn and heart concerns, double trouble.
• My ticker needs a tuneup.
• EKG, More like Everything’s Kinda Grim.
• My heart’s timing is worse than a bad comedian’s.
• I’m one stress away from a warranty claim.

Heart Attack Dad Jokes – For Heart Patients

• Why did the heart go to school, to improve its circulation?
• I’d tell you a joke about my heart, but it might not land, just like my blood flow.
• What’s a heart’s favorite type of music, Anything with a good beat.
• Why don’t hearts ever win at poker? They always wear their feelings on their sleeve.
• I used to be a heartbreaker, now I’m just broken-hearted.
• My heart tried standup comedy but couldn’t handle the pressure.
• What did the heart say to the lungs, You take my breath away.
• Why was the heart always invited to parties, It knew how to get things pumping.
• My heart’s favorite dance move, The bypass shuffle.
• What’s a cardiologist’s favorite game, Operation, but with higher stakes.

Heart Anatomy Puns – That’ll Pump You Full of Laughter

• My aorta tells you about my health problems, but we’d be here all day.
• The left ventricle is feeling left out lately.
• My valves aren’t valuing my life choices anymore.
• The right atrium is always right, according to itself.
• My coronary arteries are having a coronation of plaque.
• The septum tried to separate from my bad habits.
• My pulmonary vein is feeling the strain.
• The cardiac muscle is more like cardiac tissue these days.
• My pericardium is peri-scared about my diet.
• The sinoatrial node is no longer in agreement with my lifestyle.
• My capillaries are barely capable anymore.
• The mitral valve is mitrally disappointed in me.

Heart Attack Puns For Kids

• Why did the heart get good grades, It was always pumping out great work!
• The heart wanted to be friends with everyone, it was very open-hearted.
• What do you call a heart that loves to read, Well-red.
• The heart went to the playground to get its circulation going.
• Why was the little heart so happy? Because every day was a hearty day.
• The heart loved telling jokes that made everyone’s day beat a little brighter.
• What’s a heart’s favorite vegetable, Beet-root.
• The heart was the star of the show because it had so much character.
• Why did the heart join the band? It had a perfect rhythm.
• The heart always shared because it had a lot of love to give.

Clever Heart Attack Puns – That’ll Steal Your Breath and Then Call 911

• I’m experiencing a cardiac event, also known as seeing the gym membership fee.
• My heart’s running on empty, and the gas station closed years ago.
• I’ve got angina, but I’m not in denial about it.
• My ECG looks like my stock portfolio, concerning and downward trending.
• I’m not having a heart attack, I’m having a heart debate about those fries.
• My defibrillator and I are in a shocking relationship.
• I’m living life in the cardiac fast lane, which is actually pretty slow.
• My heart’s got commitment issues, it keeps stopping mid-beat.
• I’m one emotional moment away from needing medical intervention.
• My cardiovascular system is more like a cardiovascular suggestion at this point.

Instagram Viral Heart Attack Puns

• Living my best life, one heartbeat at a time, hopefully many more.
• My heart said stop but the pizza said go and here we are.
• Taking life with a grain of salt, my cardiologist disagrees.
• Heart status, still ticking, barely kicking.
• My vibe check came back as cardiac concern.
• Pump it up, but make it medical.
• My heart’s aesthetic is vintage and barely functioning.
• Living that cardiac-aware lifestyle but making it spicy.
• My heart rate and my motivation are finally in sync, both flatlined.

Heart Attack Puns For Social Media Captions

• Another day, another reason my heart contemplates early retirement.
• My heart’s working overtime and demanding benefits.
• Current mood: rhythmically challenged.
• My heart and I are no longer on the same wavelength.
• Taking my heart for a walk because apparently it needs exercise.
• My cardiac health is sponsored by poor life choices.
• Out here living like my arteries aren’t screaming for help.
• My heart’s giving me the silent treatment, wait, that’s concerning.

Hernia Puns For Captions – That’ll Knock the Beat Outta You

• My heart’s trying to stage a breakout, I think it’s planning a hernia cameo.
• When your heart and your abs both give up, you get a hernia with attitude.
• I’m not just heartsick, I’m hernia-hustling through life with questionable core strength.

The Benefits of Choosing Heart Attack Jokes

Funny Heart Attack Jokes

• My cardiologist said I have a heart of gold, but my cholesterol has other plans.
• I tried to make a heart attack joke, but it didn’t have enough circulation.
• My heart’s favorite exercise is jumping to conclusions.
• The heart attack survivor became a comedian, talking about a cardiac comeback.
• I’m not having a heart attack, my chest is just doing cardio without me.
• My EKG results came back as abstract art.
• The heart said to the arteries, You’re really clogging up my style.
• I got a heart attack from seeing my medical bills.
• My heart skipped a beat when I saw the defibrillator price tag.
• The cardiac unit has the most electric atmosphere.
• I’m so out of shape, my heart attacks me daily.
• My fitness tracker thinks I’m dying, but I’m just climbing stairs.
• The heart surgeon’s jokes always have good circulation.

Short Heart Attack Jokes

• Heart attacks: the chest’s way of asking for attention.
• My heart’s workout routine is called panic mode.
• Cholesterol is just artery glitter.
• I’m one French fry away from a cardiac event.
• My heart’s favorite band is definitely The Blockage.
• Stress is my heart’s personal trainer.
• My arteries are hosting a plaque party.
• The heart muscle works out more than I do.
• My cardiac health is outstanding, standing outside the gym.
• Every heartbeat is a tiny miracle or a warning sign.
• My heart rate is sponsored by caffeine.
• Angina sounds like a nice Italian lady.
• My chest pain has commitment issues.

Heart Attack Jokes One-Liner

• If procrastination could cause heart attacks, I’d worry about it later.
• My love life and my heart health have one thing in common, blockage.
• I told my heart to calm down, but it’s very rebellious.
• The cardiologist said I need to take things to heart, ironically, that’s the problem.
• My heart throws more tantrums than a toddler.
• Turns out my heart wasn’t broken, just poorly maintained.
• My chest pains are just my heart doing interpretive dance.
• I’m not dying, my heart is just being dramatic again.
• My cardiac health is like my WiFi, constantly dropping signals.
• The heart wants what it wants, usually bypass surgery.
• My arteries are like Los Angeles traffic at rush hour.
• I give my heart five stars for effort, one star for reliability.
• My heart’s idea of exercise is anxiety attacks.

Hilarious Heart Attack Jokes

• My doctor said I need to watch my heart, so I bought a television.
• The heart attack support group really gets to the core of things.
• I asked my heart for commitment, it gave me arterial plaque instead.
• My ventricles are throwing a rave and didn’t invite me.
• The heart said to the lungs, You take my breath away, literally.
• My cardiac health is sponsored by denial and butter.
• I’m not having palpitations, my heart is just applauding my poor choices.
• The heart surgeon moonlights as a plumber, similar pipe problems.
• My chest feels like a percussion section gone rogue.
• I named my clogged arteries Traffic and Jam.
• My heart’s GPS keeps rerouting blood flow.
• The cardiac ward is where all the heartthrobs hang out.
• My aorta is an overachiever with commitment issues.

Best Heart Attack Jokes

• Love hurts, but heart attacks hurt more, and cost more.
• My heart’s filing for divorce from my lifestyle choices.
• The cardiologist said I’m all heart, mostly cholesterol, but still.
• My heart chakra is blocked, along with my arteries.
• I’m living life on the cardiac edge.
• My heart’s autobiography would be titled Beats, Skips, and Regrets.
• The only thing racing faster than my heart is my medical debt.
• My heart and I are no longer on speaking terms.
• I put my heart into everything, except healthy living.
• My cardiac system runs on hope and stents.
• The heart is willing, but the arteries are weak.
• My chest discomfort has better timing than most comedians.
• I’m one stress away from a warranty claim on my heart.

Adults Heart Attack Jokes

• My heart stopped when I saw her, then I remembered my age and panicked.
• The only six-pack I have is from my cardiologist’s office visits.
• My heart rate during intimacy rivals my heart rate climbing stairs, concerning.
• At my age, every chest pain is a mystery thriller.
• My heart’s midlife crisis involves irregular rhythms.
• I’m too old for this heartache, literally and figuratively.
• My dating life gives me more heart palpitations than my cholesterol.
• The heart wants adventure, the arteries want rest.
• My heart’s retirement plan includes three bypasses.
• I measure excitement by whether I need my nitroglycerin.
• My heart’s idea of wildness is forgetting my medication.
• Romance used to make my heart race, now walking does that.
• My heart has more baggage than my emotional state.

Kids Heart Attack Jokes

• Even my heart needs a nap after recess.
• My heart beats so fast, I think I’m part hummingbird.
• The scary movie made my heart jump jacks.
• My heart races faster than my bike.
• When Mom finds my report card, my heart goes boom boom boom.
• My heart’s favorite subject is gym class, it gets a real workout.
• The rollercoaster made my heart do backflips.
• My heart feels like popcorn popping when I’m nervous.
• Running from the bully gives my heart super speed.
• My heart’s more excited about pizza day than I am.
• The dentist makes my heart beat like a drum solo.
• My heart and my stomach both get butterflies before tests.

Reddit Heart Attack Jokes

• TIL my heart has better uptime than Reddit servers.
• My karma is higher than my good cholesterol, that’s concerning.
• Scrolling through r/mildlyinfuriating actually raises my blood pressure.
• AITA for not listening to my heart’s warning signs.
• My heart’s doing an AMA and the answers are all concerning.
• Found out I have cardiac issues, thanks for the gold, kind stranger.
• My heart rate monitor belongs on r/dataisbeautiful or r/mildlyterrifying.
• My chest pain gets more upvotes than my actual Reddit posts.
• This post gave me a heart attack, literally, send help.
• My EKG reading looks like a controversial Reddit thread.
• The real heart attack was the medical bills we made along the way.
• Edit: Thanks for the concern, it was just indigestion.

Knock Knock Heart Attack Jokes

• Knock knock. Who’s there? Cardio. Cardio who? Cardio-vascular disease, we need to talk.
• Knock knock. Who’s there? Arrest. Arrest who? A-rest is what your heart just did.
• Knock knock. Who’s there? Angina. Angina who? Angina gets you to the hospital now.
• Knock knock. Who’s there? Clot. Clot who? Clot you see this is serious.
• Knock knock. Who’s there? Bypass. Bypass who? Bypass the fast food, please.
• Knock knock. Who’s there? Valve. Valve who? Valve got to do something about your health.
• Knock knock. Who’s there? Stent. Stent who? Stent you a warning, but you ignored it.
• Knock knock. Who’s there? Arrhythmia. Arrhythmia who? Arrhythmia-ending you to see a doctor.
• Knock knock. Who’s there? Coronary. Coronary who? Coronary believe you’re still eating bacon?

Dad Heart Attack Jokes

• I’m outstanding in my field of cardiac care, I’m standing outside the hospital.
• What do you call a heart attack on a boat, A-cardiac arrest at sea, son.
• My heart’s like my lawn mower, only works when I give it attention.
• I told my heart to stay strong, it’s working overtime like I did.
• Son, my chest hurts. Must be from carrying this family on my shoulders.
• What’s a cardiologist’s favorite tool, a dad-fibrillator?
• My heart condition is stable, like my Wi-Fi, rarely working right.
• Having a heart attack builds character, like building a deck.
• I’m not having heart problems, just a chest personality.
• My heart’s motto, If it ain’t broke, wait five minutes.
• What did the heart say at the barbecue, I’m well done.
• My heart works harder than the thermostat I’m not allowed to touch.
• Son, my heart’s like my jokes, unexpected and poorly timed.

Patients Heart Attack Jokes

• The waiting room wait gave me another heart attack.
• My hospital bracelet is basically a medical friendship bracelet.
• I’m collecting cardiac events like they’re rewards points.
• The morphine made my heart attack almost worth it, almost.
• My heart monitor sounds like bad techno music.
• I’ve been admitted so often, I have a favorite hospital bed.
• The nurse said my heart’s doing great, for a disaster zone.
• My IV and I are now in a committed relationship.
• Hospital gowns: because dignity and heart attacks can’t coexist.
• I rated my heart attack three stars, poor timing, decent drugs.
• My roommate’s snoring is giving me a second cardiac event.
• The discharge papers are longer than my will to live was during the attack.
• I’m on a first-name basis with every ER staff member now.

Dirty Heart Attack Jokes

• My heart pounds harder during bad decisions than good ones.
• They say excitement is bad for the heart, I’m living dangerously anyway.
• My heart rate during romance is a liability, not an asset.
• The cardiologist said no strenuous activity, there goes my weekend.
• My blood pressure rises faster than my other measurements.
• Heavy breathing used to be fun, now it’s a medical concern.
• The bedroom is now a cardiac risk zone.
• My heart races for all the wrong reasons these days.
• Turns out getting your heart racing isn’t always romantic.
• My pulse quickens, but now I reach for nitroglycerin instead.
• The only action my heart can handle is Netflix.
• My cardiologist ruined my fun with medical warnings.

Dark Humor Heart Attack Jokes

• My heart attack and I have unfinished business.
• Death texted me during my heart attack but I left him on read.
• I survived a heart attack, which is more than my diet can say.
• The Grim Reaper sent a warning shot through my left arm.
• My heart tried to quit, but I’m a terrible manager.
• Dying from a heart attack: at least it’s faster than my metabolism.
• My life flashed before my eyes, it was disappointingly short.
• The bright light wasn’t heaven, just the hospital fluorescents.
• My heart gave me an eviction notice.
• Almost died, I still have to pay my mortgage.
• The cardiac arrest was my heart’s resignation letter.
• I saw the light, but my deductible brought me back.
• My obituary was almost titled Died as He Lived: Poorly.

Clever Heart Attack Jokes

• My heart’s electrical system needs a software update.
• Cardiac arrest is just my heart hitting the emergency brake.
• My coronary arteries are practicing social distancing from blood flow.
• The heart attack was my body’s way of submitting a formal complaint.
• My ventricles are having an existential crisis.
• I’m experiencing technical difficulties with my biological pump.
• My heart’s operating system crashed, time for a reboot.
• The myocardial infarction was just my heart being extra.
• My cardiac rhythm is doing avant-garde jazz now.
• The heart attack was an unauthorized system shutdown.
• My chest cavity is hosting a medical emergency conference.
• My heart’s throwing error codes like a printer.
• The coronary incident was peak physical comedy, literally.

Bad Heart Attack Jokes

• Why did I have a heart attack? Because it couldn’t handle the pressure, get it.
• I’d make a heart attack joke, but it might be in poor taste-ery.
• My heart attack jokes are so bad, they’re cardiac arrest-ingly awful.
• What’s worse than a heart attack, This joke, probably.
• I tried to write a good heart attack joke, but I choked, like my arteries.
• These jokes are so bad, they’re giving people actual chest pain.
• My humor is like my heart, barely functioning.
• What do you call a boring heart attack, a cardiac yawn-rest.
• This joke died faster than, never mind, too soon.
• I told a heart attack joke at the hospital, nobody laughed, everyone watched.
• These puns are so forced, they need medical intervention.
• My comedy career and my heart have both flatlined.

Mini Heart Attack Jokes

• Every little scare is just a preview of coming attractions.
• Mini heart attacks, my body’s way of staying dramatic.
• That moment when you think it’s the big one, false alarm.
• My anxiety throws mini cardiac parties daily.
• Small chest pains, the body’s check engine light.
• Not a full heart attack, just a cardiac hiccup.
• My heart does practice runs for the real thing.
• Mini attacks are just my heart rehearsing.
• Every twinge is a tiny cardiac reminder.
• My heart sends warning texts constantly.
• Little chest pains: nature’s way of saying heads up.
• Not dying, just my heart being a drama queen.
• Micro-cardiac events are my new normal.

Elders Heart Attack Jokes

• At my age, heartburn and heart attacks feel identical.
• I’ve outlived my warranty and my heart knows it.
• My pacemaker has better rhythm than I do.
• The only thing older than me is my cardiac history.
• My heart’s as vintage as my opinions.
• I remember when heart attacks were just called the vapors.
• My medication list is longer than my bucket list now.
• My heart and I are both retired but still working somehow.
• At 80, every heartbeat is a small victory.
• My heart’s golden years are tarnished with plaque.
• I’ve had more EKGs than birthday cakes lately.
• My heart’s older than most of my doctor’s patients.
• Age is just a number, but so is blood pressure, and mine’s higher.

Naughty Heart Attack Jokes

• My heart races for the naughtiest reasons, usually bacon.
• The forbidden pleasures now include salt and excitement.
• My wild side and my heart are no longer compatible.
• Risky behavior now means extra cheese on my burger.
• My heart can’t handle my mischievous lifestyle anymore.
• Being bad never felt so dangerous, medically speaking.
• My rebellious phase includes ignoring dietary restrictions.
• The naughtiest thing I do is skip my evening medication, sometimes.
• My heart’s scandalized by my late-night snacking.
• Living on the edge means eating eggs, apparently.
• My vices have become cardiac violations.
• The thrill is gone, replaced by medical caution.

Heart Attack Puns For Social Media Captions

• Having a heart-to-heart with my cardiologist today.
• My heart’s not broken, just slightly cracked.
• Putting my whole heart into this, maybe that’s the problem.
• Hear you later, I’m at the cardiac unit.
• My heart’s working overtime without overtime pay.
• Feeling pumped, literally, by my circulatory system.
• Cross my heart and hope to live longer this time.
• My heart beats for coffee and bad decisions.
• Taking matters into my own hands, and my heart’s not happy about it.
• Love makes the heart grow fonder; cholesterol makes it grow blockages.

Instagram Viral Heart Attack Puns

• My heart said I’m done but my insurance said keep going.
• Not today, cardiac arrest, I have plans.
• My heart’s more dramatic than my Instagram stories.
• Surviving on heart medication and good vibes only.
• My ECG is more interesting than my feed.
• Heart attacks, 0, Me, 1, still undefeated.
• My pulse is racing and so are my followers.
• Living my best life, one heartbeat at a time.
• My heart’s throwing shade at my lifestyle choices.
• Blessed with a working heart, barely, but still.

Heart Attack Jokes Hernia Puns For Captions

• My heart and hernia are having a support group meeting in my chest.
• Two problems, one torso, living a complicated life.
• My hernia’s jealous of all the attention my heart’s getting.
• When your heart and hernia both act up, double trouble.
• My medical issues are having a party and everyone’s invited, except wellness.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are heart attack puns

Heart attack puns are jokes that mix humor with surprise or shock.

Why are they called heart attack puns

They are called this because the jokes are so funny or shocking they stop your heart with laughter.

How many heart attack puns are there in this collection

This collection has over 350 puns for endless laughs.

Can I share these puns on social media

Yes, they are perfect for captions, memes, and posts.

Are these puns dark humor

Yes, many of them use playful dark humor but are meant for fun.

Who would enjoy these puns

Anyone who likes clever, shocking, or dark jokes will enjoy them.

Are the puns short and easy to read

Yes, each pun is quick, simple, and easy to share.

Can kids read these puns

Some puns may be too dark, so they are better for teens and adults.

How do heart attack puns make people laugh

They combine wordplay, surprise, and exaggeration for big laughs.

Why should I read this collection

Because it’s full of over 350 hilarious jokes that are too funny to survive.

Conclusion

These heart attack puns are super funny and full of surprise. They are short, clever, and easy to remember. You can share them with friends or post on social media. Each pun is made to make you laugh in seconds.

With over 350 puns, there is laughter for everyone. Some are shocking, some are playful and smart. They are perfect for anyone who loves bold humor. Enjoy these jokes that are truly too funny to survive.